I feel aggressive today.

I woke up that way. Aggressive and irritable. It happens sometimes, when I go to bed particularly annoyed and worried. Last night I continued my research on Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I learned how it is not a proper medical diagnosis due to the differing opinions of medical professionals. I learned that many in the field see these symptoms as part of withdrawal, and that it could last up to six months or even a year so there is nothing ‘post’ about it.

Nausea, cramping, bloating, mood swings, irritability, restlessness, agitation, severe headaches, fatigue, insomnia……

She has had it all, and although Robyn is getting better she is not out of the woods yet. It’s tiring and draining for her and I feel terrible that I can’t just take it away.

I can’t fix this with a warm hug or a cup of hot chocolate.

I can’t fix this. I can’t control this. All I can do is listen, distract and support. Hmph.

So I’m irritated and aggressive. I think about all the people who have exploited and taken advantage of my beautiful daughter. Profited off her pain; used her to meet their own ends. I’m pretty angry.
I’m angry at the drug trade, the chemists who invent new molecular structures for synthetic substances, the dealers, the pushers, the corrupt law officers and politicians who let it all slide. I’m angry at the cannabis stores, the liquor industry, the vape industry.

The greed is insidious. The human cost is cataclysmic.

The office I work for recently released a special report on the impact the opioid crisis is having on young people. It is easier than ever to get drugs and alcohol. It is more dangerous than ever to ingest unknown toxins. The pandemic hasn’t helped.

I’ve stopped trying to pin point the exact moment when ‘it all went wrong’ for my daughter. I’m not sure there was one moment. It was more like a landslide. Slow at first and then it just built momentum. It grew arms and legs and became a creature pulling everything down.

Tonight we tell her how proud we are of her. How brave she is and how invested she’s been in her recovery. I rub her back to warm her chills and hold her hands to quiet the tremors. This is I know what to do at this moment.

She’s got this. Thinking of her determination melts the hard pieces of my heart. The hardness that anger built. It reminds me of the song Landslide, written by Stevie Nicks. Nicks explains that she wrote that song at a low point in her life. She says, “I had gotten to a point where it was like, ‘I’m not happy. I am tired. But I don’t know if I can do any better than this.’” She goes on to say that’s when she decided to right the song, to say, ‘let’s do this. Let’s get to the top.’

This is my landslide moment.