For the first time in two years I was able to articulate an answer to the question ‘how are you?’

I’m about 60%.

I was then asked what my recent dreams/goals were.

Oh no. I’m not that far. I’m not at the point of dreaming. I’m only looking to the end of the day.

Maybe I’m more like 50%. I spent the rest of the night kicking myself for not looking to the future. It’s just not my reality right now.

Robyn and her AA friends talk about ‘normies.’ Normies are people who don’t live with addiction. She says she doesn’t think she’d ever be able to date a normie again, and wonders if she will ever get to the point when she can have deep connections with a normie. Outside of her family, that is.

It seems far-fetched, and maybe even outlandish, but I get it. As a normie who grew up with an alcoholic mother, there was much more to her addiction than actively drinking. It continues to impact us for years after she got sober.

I recently described it as a totally different world. A world where Nigel and I are 100% okay with her not having a job right now so she can rest and recalibrate and focus on her recovery. We never would have had that attitude had we not learned about addictions and trauma and the effect on the brain. And took the time to really listen to her and trust her. Trust that she doesn’t want to be like this – that she has hopes and dreams and wants to see them fulfilled. One day at a time.

A well meaning acquaintance mentioned a job may give her a sense of responsibility. I’d say keeping herself sober and alive is a pretty big responsibility.

I think back to my many years as a child protection social worker and the unrealistic expectations we had (and still have) on parents. Expectations to complete a 28 day treatment program and then come out and sort themselves out to get their kids back and go to all these meetings and make all these appointments and change friendship groups and block family members.

I’m exhausted for them and ashamed at how us professionals have totally diminished substance abuse. The system sets people up to fail. To a certain point, so does society.

Recovery is not linear and there is no quick fix. There is no one answer. It’s not getting a puppy, or a job, or an apartment. Those are all things that are built in to wider recovery but to hang on one answer or another will only lead to disappointment.

Our family is walking in a totally different world than what we’re used to or what we thought we would. We are being challenged and stretched. But we are learning to listen to each other, be kind to each other and understand each other in a way we haven’t before. In a sense there’s been a great deal of freedom released while we hold our hands up and become open to new and different ways of seeing things.

Most of all, I’m seeing God in things I would not have otherwise.

I think I’m actually even starting to breathe.