The charismatic Christian community are grieving the loss of Beni Johnson, wife of Bill Johnson who is the leader of Bethel Church in Redding California. I’ve never met Beni nor have I been to Bethel, but I’m no stranger to their teachings and have many friends who’ve been. Through his grief, Bill spoke on Sunday and a quote popped into my Instagram feed

‘There are aspects of His presence that you can only experience in the valley of the shadow of death.’

He’s right.

We didn’t lose Robyn, but we came close. Darn close. It wasn’t her time yet because Jesus woke me up to find her. For a brief time she was gone.

It wasn’t in that moment that I felt God’s presence. Nor was it in the minutes that followed or when the paramedics came to take over. It wasn’t even when she spoke to me for a brief moment.

It was after they had taken her to the hospital. I watched them drive off and I sat on the couch. It was four in the morning and the house was quiet once more. I was just about to call her dad and then it happened.

He showed up.

It wasn’t flashy or electric. It wasn’t loud or scary or surprising. The Great I Am sat beside me and held my hand. We sat there for a really long time. It was intimate and beautiful and felt like I had just melted into the arms of, well, Papa.

He was for me something He could not have been any other time. Not because He was incapable, but because the situation had never commanded it. It was a level of revelation I’d not experienced before. How much He was for me – how much He was for us. How he took care of every detail – even making sure he put supernatural headphones on our son, who slept through the whole thing.

The rest of it is indescribable and too personal. But Bill’s right, folks.

He was there. He had always been there. He never left. He never will.

That memory of the valley of the shadow haunts me. The only thing that brings me out of it is choosing to remember when God showed up to hold my hand.